My Struggle with Body dysmorphic disorder

Everyone gets self conscious about their looks. We all can pick a flaw that bothers us, but there is a point when this minor concern can become a life limiting obsession. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with OCD. At the time I didn’t really understand what that meant for me. I didn’t have any odd rituals to speak of. I didn’t have to do anything a certain number of times and I was never unusually concerned over items being out of place. The psychiatrist simply said that I had intrusive thoughts. It wasn’t until my mid 20s when I began seeing a therapist that I truly understood the diagnosis. My OCD wasn’t coming in forms of ritualistic tapping, or organizing. My OCD was with myself. I was obsessed with myself.

Being obsessed with yourself and your appearance sounds a lot like vanity but, I never felt particularly narcissistic. Actually, I felt afraid, Afraid of my own changing body. So, when I finally began seeing a therapist at 25 I was once again able to continue the conversation. I told the therapist that I was afraid because I was getting older and that I could see my looks changing already. He looked puzzled as I went on about the new fine lines under my eyes and around my mouth and how I had began to avoid mirrors.

He paused and asked me very calmly “Have you ever been diagnosed with OCD?” When he did this I felt a sudden rush of emotion. I’m sure I almost cried because for the first time it clicked for me. At that moment I really understood the original diagnosis. I understood that although friends and family had always teased me about my mirror obsession and supposed “vanity” that I really had not been vain at all. I wasn’t in love with my personal appearance, as I said before I never felt particularly narcissistic. The truth was that I spent that time mirror gazing looking at my flaws. Hours of my life spent afraid of my own changing reflection. I had felt that everyone around me was beautiful and that I was haggard and tired looking. I felt this way for years and I let it control me.

Obsessing over my appearance and mirror checking had actually been my ritual. I would stare into the mirror for hours and when I would walk away I would return to the mirror soon after and hope that something would have changed. My mid 20s were a really difficult for me because this time my skin actually was changing and It wasn’t going to get better. This time I couldn’t angle away the flaws. I couldn’t cover them with a new haircut or heavy eye makeup. These flaws were there to stay and all I could see was someone that would never be worthy of love.

The two years between 25 and 27 were very hard for me. I struggled with my OCD more than ever before. I would ask my friends how old I looked. I would research plastic surgery options, I would compare my skin with everyone I spoke with, and I even got botox for the first time. This time in my life was hell. Hell because my personal well being and relationships suffered. It was hell because I didn’t even want to look people in the eyes anymore. I knew that all that they would see when looking at me was a haggard old woman.

Through continued therapy appointments I worked with the psychologist to understand my obsession and we talked about my thoughts and rituals and finally diagnosed what we had thought to be OCD as Body Dysmorphic Disorder or BDD. Understanding the diagnosis and moving forward I decided that I had finally had enough and that I was going to do my best to get control of this disorder, but It wasn’t easy. At first I felt really sorry for myself because I had let this issue control me for so much of my life. I wondered what decisions I might have made differently or how much more I could have enjoyed myself as a teen and young adult. I had avoided pictures of myself for so long and I never really felt good enough to dress the way that I wanted to.

The road to recovery started slowly. It started with an adjustment in my own values. I had to really think about why my youth and appearance bothered me so much and how to break it all down. In the end I created a list of categories with problems and solutions and laid them out.

1. Exchanging role models

Problem – When you are young you look up to those around you and those you see in media. I remember watching romantic animated movies with beautiful young heroins finding love and living happily ever after. The old women in these movies were evil and jealous of the young beautiful protagonist. What this meant is that If I wanted to be a good person I had to be young and beautiful. This of course was not limited to animation. Still today, we hardly ever see a leading lady with wrinkles in feature films. We worship the Kardashians like they are gods and still demean women in media for daring to show signs of age.

Solution – Changing Kim K for Ruth Ginsburg. Finding role models who allowed myself to aspire to something more really helped to alleviate some of the value I placed on my appearance. I didn’t have to be flawless, I could be valuable as someone who stands up for what she believes.

2. Stopping the Cycle

Problem – Just as we tend admire those with certain amounts of fame and power we also tend to look to our parents and older siblings as models for our own self esteem. Mom didn’t do it on purpose, and neither did her mother, but as children often learn to mimic our parents in so many ways and self esteem is not excluded. I remember my mom putting herself down. She would look in the mirror and sigh in defeat as she lemented her changing appearance. She also suffered from an eating disorder which made matters much worse for her own well being and for my idea of health.

Solution – Forgive mom. She was just doing what society wanted her to do. Focus on her appearance and relate her own self worth to the numbers on the scale. If your mother is still around remind her of her beauty inside and out. Being reminded of self worth never gets old. As for you; look in the mirror and tell yourself a different story. You are worthy of love no matter what you think the mirror is telling you.

3. Setting age limitations

Problem – By the time i’m such and such age I will have checked off my list of life to dos. Married by 25, 3 kids by 30, be successful and good looking and then dead at 100.

Solution – Unlink your age from your life success and just keep moving at your own pace and of course forgive yourself for not living exactly the life that society says that you are supposed to. You can try new things at any age. It’s not over until it’s over.

4. Redefining beauty

Problem – Society tells us that beauty is skin deep. We are obsessed with models who have chosen to undergo cosmetic surgery. We feel that we are obligated to meet these standards somehow.

Solution – Redefining what beauty is. There is a funny saying “There are no ugly people, only poor people.” This saying always gives me a giggle. People pay to look a certain way and that’s fine, but the standard for beauty might be a little different if we redefine our idea of beauty as a whole. We could choose to admire the beauty of different kinds of women, including strong women with natural features, various builds and dare I say wrinkles.

5. Living in the moment

Problem: Always focusing on what the future holds for your changing appearance and wishing you could change past habits

Solution: Just develop good habits now and enjoy what is. The world around you is pretty beautiful if you aren’t just living inside your head.

6. Practicing Self love

Problem: You aren’t very kind to yourself and criticise yourself harshly.

Solution: Practice Self love and treat yourself how you would a friend. When your brain tries to put you down replace that abusive speech to the kind of loving endearments you would give a friend.

7. Finally, Continued therapy

Problem: Inconsistency with therapy

Solution: Make those appointments when you need them. It always feels better when you are able to speak to a trained professional who can give you the tools that you need for your mental health. If you don’t find the right therapist at first then keep trying. Just like anything else there are good therapist and bad ones. The good ones are worth finding.

Through these changes I have managed to get my BDD under control and am feeling the most confident and happy that I have in my entire life. I finally feel present in my daily life, am excited to greet each day and have minimized my mirror checking to what I consider a healthy average. These changes are what I contribute to my management of my BDD and to my ability to lead a happy and healthy life and although, these steps are specific to my personal journey I hope that if you are reading through this article you might find something that helps you here.